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Administration: The stadium at Ohio State was full
(Washington, D.C., 5/6/12) Responding to unconfirmed reports President Obama kicked off his re-election campaign in a half-empty stadium at Ohio State University in Columbus, Ohio response to the photograph has been swift. Ohio will play an important part in the election of 2012 as it's considered a swing state.
According to our sources, a spokesman for the campaign called the allegations of a half-empty stadium “ludicrous”. His statement, made on condition of anonymity, follows:
“Attempts to paint this kickoff re-election effort as a failure fall far short of reality. Had the photographer taken his picture 3 hours later, the world would have seen the arena was filled to over-flowing with enthusiastic, adamant fans of Obama. To suggest otherwise is ludicrous.”
“Take any photo of an NFL stadium 3 hours before kickoff and you'd assume no one cared. Such is the case here. Fans were overflowing outside the stadium but adequate security measures prevented everyone from being there at the time this photo was taken. Our dear, dear leader deserves better than this blatant racism being displayed and the right-wing ought to be ashamed of itself for choreographing this charade.”
Developing...
RNC declares Mitt Romney the big winner on Super Tuesday
(Washington, D.C. - 3-6-12) With voting underway on Super Tuesday and the Republican Presidential hopefuls going toe to toe for votes, the RNC and the media have announced, preliminarily, Mitt Romney the big winner in the primaries.
Said an anonymous spokesman:
“While we realize it's early, it's clear the voters want and need Mitt Romney. We really don't need to wait to actually count the votes to determine a winner. Much like Iowa, Maine and Michigan, the public fully believes he won those races even though he didn't. He is the best of the bunch when it comes to conservative ideas, electability, and compassion. His embracing Obamacare shows he's truly the one to continue to provide healthcare for all.”
“He has promised to seriously consider contraception and backs the current administration policy of forcing religious institutions to provide abortion and contraception in it's insurance policies.”
“If, for some unknown reason, it turns out he loses, we'll gladly print a retraction on page 47 of your local newspaper, below the fold, next to the obituaries. No one will see it, and we're confident the media will keep it quiet, but the perception will be there. As we all know, perception is reality in politics.”
Developing..
Navy denies the rumor they're considering the USS Sandra Fluke
(Washington, D.C. - 3-5-12) The Navy has vehemently denied rumors they're considering naming a future vessel the USS Sandra Fluke.
“This is simply a rumor and the Navy at this time has no plans, unless compelled by Congress, to name a vessel after this young lady.”
A senior Democratic Senator, however, has a different take. He spoke anonymously:
“While at this time naming a ship the USS Sandra Fluke isn't being considered, it's certainly worth discussion. We value true heroes in America and have named other vessels after other American icons who have stood up for truth and justice such as Jimmy Carter, Eldridge Cleaver and Cesar Chavez.”
“By standing up to the far-right who is attempting to label this loose young lady a slut, who is simply demanding her constitutional right to contraception, we find her courage, tenacity and tough spirited attitude worthy of consideration for a future vessel, probably sometime in 2015. The USSPV (United States Ship Pleasure Vessel) Sandra Fluke has a nice ring to it.”
“I'll be convening a committee to discuss the subject.”
Developing...
The left lauds advertisers who left Limbaugh, demand subsidies so they
can purchase products.
(Washington, D.C. - 3-4-12) Members of the OWS movement as well as literally hundreds of people on the left are exuberant over advertisers decisions to leave the Rush Limbaugh Show. They have tweeted, blogged and facebooked over their glee at forcing Mr. Limbaugh into an apology for his insensitive, rude and socially unacceptable comments regarding the young woman who Limbaugh thoughtlessly called a “slut”.
A statement will be released to the media on Monday, but they have released excerpts of the statement:
“We laud the advertisers who have left the Limbaugh show and who have shown exemplary judgment in their decision to do so. Everyone knows contraception is a basic human right, the costs of which should be imposed on everyone in support of the common good”.
“Since the OWS movement is primarily concerned with occupying parks and other public spaces in support of the 99% and other members of the left fully support us in our endeavor, we (everyone on the left) really don't have the money to go out and purchase products from the advertisers since our money simply goes into the pockets of the 1%. We therefore call on the federal government to provide subsidies to us through increased taxes on the 1% to help us pay for them or we call upon the advertisers to provide us their products for free to show how much they support us supporting them.”
“Contraception is a basic human right, so is the ability to back-up the hard drive on your computer, purchase a mattress or to use money management software.”
Developing..
(Washington, D.C., 9/24/11) It's been almost hours since President Obama scheduled a speech to interrupt normal television programming and network executives are extremely worried something has happened to him. In addition to trying to find out what has happened to him, they are now scrambling to fill the time.
An anonymous spokesperson said, "We have no idea where he's gone. We have nothing to interrupt programming so I guess we'll just have to show college football all day. I know it's inspirational to the populace to see our president on t.v. and understand how hard he's working so naturally we're trying to find out where he is and to make sure he's alright. In the meantime, we'll be filling our time showing college football and regular news programming on the cable channels."
Developing..
DNC spokesperson: "Nowhere in the law does it say we have to follow the Constitution"
(Washington, D.C., 7/10/11) In a rather stunning defense of President Obama's refusal to follow protocol as set forth in the Constitution, a spokesperson today defended those actions by stating nowhere in the law does it say the President is bound by the Constitution.
The statement in part:
"Further, the Constitution, Bill of Rights and so on were written hundreds of years ago by old white men who simply could have no understanding of how we have progressed as a nation. They have no bearing on the world of today. They were simply guidelines that could be ignored and should be ignored if circumstances dictate. Those documents are "living", as such they are open to either interpretation if one chooses, or if chosen, ignored. It's hardly required any sentence, paragraph or so called right
granted in these documents be followed as the law.
Take for example the United Nations Arms Trade Treaty. This document, written by the brightest, most enlightenend minds in the world today, would severely impact the rights to gun owners in the United States, the 2nd amendment notwithstanding. There is no need to have this treaty ratified by congress since all the President has to do, should do and probably will do, is sign an executive order and it's been done. In the words of a wise, wise man, "Stroke of a pen, law of the land, kinda
cool."
Developing...
Administration: New Department of Prosperity being contemplated (To force business to hire)
(Washington, D.C. - 6/26/11) After admitting that "Shovel ready projects apprarently weren't as shovel ready as we thought", and despite
assurances the unemployment level wouldn't go above 8% with the passage of the stimulus program, certain members within the current
administration are reaching the conclusion that business has the cash, resources and openings to put Americans back to work, but for some reason which has them befuddled, those same businesses aren't hiring.
To that end, a new Department of Prosperity is being considered which would create a new beaurocracy tasked with enacting, and forcing,
American business to "open their books" and put Americans back to work. An anonymous spokesperson issued the following statement since they're not authorized to speak about this project:
"This legislation is a necessary part of putting Americans back to work, especially those we'd have to hire, at the Federal level, to administer this program. We're convinced the unemployment rate would fall to not more than 3% if business would wake up and increase hiring."
"It's very simple. If it takes more laws, increased taxes and more regulations to get what we want, it's what we'll do."
Developing..
Breaking: MSM finds the "smoking gun" regarding Palin
(New York, N.Y. - 6/13/11) After hours, days and weeks of digging through e-mails looking for items of interest regarding former Governor Sarah Palin, the MSM has finally, after thorough investigation, stumbled up information that could seriously damage her reputation and potential run for President.
In a shocking expose, the following is an excerpt from an article to be run tomorrow by a major East coast newspaper:
"It is our job to completely investigate anyone and everyone who is, or seeks to be, a prominent player on the national scene. We found someone living in a tiny village deep in the Alaskan interior who told us a shocking story. She told us she was formerly employed at an unnamed hospital in Hawaii signing blank birth certificates before moving to Alaska and gaining employment as a school teacher.”
“Mrs. Ima Ukelele told us she was Sarah's second grade teacher and Sarah was stubborn from an early age. She wouldn’t follow directions, constantly colored outside the lines and absolutely refused to share her crayons amongst her classmates.”
“I guess spreading the wealth wasn’t a phrase with which Sarah was familiar. How can someone like this sleep at night knowing others went without crayons because of her. This is not someone who should be leading this country as it moves progressively into the future.”
“There is no room for “rugged individualists” in the future of our country. All must come together for the common good.”
Developing..
.Administration spokesperson defends Obamas' lavish, expensive, high fat diet and dinners
(Washington, D.C. - 6/12/11) After the American public noticed the Obamas don't necessarily follow their own advice when it comes to healthy eating, the administration found it necessary to issue an explanation regarding White House eating habits:
"During the past 2 years, the White House has introduced many measures to entice the American public away from fast food and unhealthy snacks to a healthier diet of vegetables, fruits and grain. This message is being sent to public schools as well as parents, in the best interest of the children of America, to reduce obesity and encourage regular exercise."
"Growing your own vegetables is one way for Americans to commune with nature and it gives a pure sense of satisfaction to see food grown from seeds. We are setting the example."
"Regardless, we have been criticized recently for seemingly not following our own advice when it comes to expensive dinners and chili dogs. Nothing could be further from the truth. The members of the administration have found it completely necessary to reduce the risk among teenagers by consuming as much non-healthy food as they can, with the rationalization the if they eat it, the less is available to the public. You see, it's a glorious sacrifice of their health, for America."
"It's tough eating lobster, crab and chili dogs each and every day, but the American public can feel pure satisfaction at dining on salad, bean sprouts and carrots while knowing we are making huge sacrifices for their benefit."
Developing..
MSM complains: Palin is leading us on another wild goose chase
(New York, 6/11/11) After thousands of wasted manhours, the media feeding frenzy known as Sarah Palins release of
24,000 e-mails from her time as the Governor of Alaska has produced nothing of any interest to the American public. As a result, an anonymous MSM source will be releasing the following statement this afternoon:
"We have dispatched hundreds of reporters, investigators and have hundreds of volunteers helping us sort through 24,000 paper copies of e-mails sent and received by Sarah Palin during her tenure as Governor of Alaska. Thus far we have found nothing of any interest to the American
public. This wild goose chase is costing us millions with no end in sight."
"We strongly feel, however, the lack of newsworthy items thus far found is proof positive such information exists. We only have to stay the course. It's simply a matter of time before we find what we're looking for so we can report, in an unbiased truthful manner. the shenanigans in Juneau."
"In the unlikely event we don't find anything newsworthy, we're considering legal action against Ms. Palin for willfully and intentionally leading us on another wild goose chase and to recover all costs incurred during our time in Alaska."
Developing..
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