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Palin '12 - Change you'll be begging for
NY Times: Barter tax is around the corner
(Washington, DC - 5/27/09) According to an article to be run next week in the NY Times, the administration in Washington, DC is extremely concerned about the loss of tax revenue due to the ever increasing use
of the barter system in the United States.
From the article: "It is becoming increasingly obvious that ingenious
Americans, tired of being taxed into oblivion and with a serious unemployment problem are turning more and more to the bartar system for the exchange of goods and services. According to some estimates
the tax revenue lost on these exchanges is going into the billions and billions of dollars. That money could support President Obamas aggressive social programs for a period of hours if it were properly
collected."
"Since it's impossible to know what is being exchanged, a new "Barter Tax" of $1000 per taxpayer is being contemplated that will apply on top of the current income tax to provide the tax revenue that is currently being illegally bypassed."
"We feel it is absolutely un-American for people to mutually agree to an exchange of these goods and services thereby bypassing tax rules, and people indulging in these
trades are acting outside the law."
Developing..
Administration to eliminate joblessness - "Future layoffs will
be illegal"
(Washington, DC - 5/23/09) In a shocking spurious press release to be issued on Monday, the administration promises to completely eliminate joblessness and the payment of unemployment benefits by making layoffs, firings etc. illegal, punishable by severe fines.
Said a spokesperson on condition of anonymity, "It seems as though there is grave concern on the part of investors and the international community regarding the employment situation in the United States. In order to alleviate this concern, job losses
will be completely eliminated by Executive Order making layoffs and firings illegal. Employers will be required to keep personnel on the payroll, at existing pay levels, regardless the impact to their
bottom lines. Those employers not complying with the directive will
be subject to severe fines and possible government intervention. We fully expect to see jobless claims drop to zero in the next 60 days, with the Federal Government employing all personnel currently collecting unemployment."
"This administration will be the first in American history to preside over a nation with no jobless or unemployment problems. It's a historic milestone."
Developing..
California: "Need and social justice outweigh voters rejection of
tax increases"
(Sacramento, California - 5/20/09) After voters in California resoundly rejected
increased taxes to support bloated and out of control spending, the response was swift from proponents of the increased fees and taxes.
"We have attempted to put these issues before the voters and tried everything
we could to have them understand how important these measures are in regard to the future of the State of California. We are billions in the hole right now with billions more in new spending on the way. We simply don't understand how the voters, in good conscience, could reject these measures which are for their own good."
"Our only option at this point is to file suit to overturn these results through the judicial
process and find judges who are sympathetic to the notion of the "common good and social justice". After all, if proponents of other failed measures, in California as well as other states, can overturn the will of the voters through lawsuits, we see no reason why the Legislature of California cannot do the same so we can continue leading this state to economic prosperity through increased taxation and deficit spending. If the Federal Government can do it without a vote, so can we, even with a vote."
When asked how they would square this with the overwhelming vote for no new
taxes, the answer was short and to the point. "The will of the voters who reject
"need", the "common good" and "social justice" pales in comparison with the
stroke of a pen in a backroom deal. We know what's best."
Developing..
Obama Administration: Cars over 5 years old to be banned
after 2012
(Washington, DC - 5/19/09) In an effort to stimulate the economy and help U.S. automakers at the same time, the administration will announce drastic new measures to ensure both goals are met
along with the move to vehicles that get at least 35 mpg.
In a spurious memo to be made public within the next 30 days, the administration details their intent to help convince the public to purchase these new cars.
(SNIP)
"It is becoming obvious that Americans are still stuck on their love of SUV's, pickup trucks and less fuel efficient modes of
transportation. In order to help stimulate the economy, we'll require all vehicles over 5 years of age be taken off the road and the purchase of a new fuel efficient vehicle will be mandated. We think this is the best way to support Detroit and American auto makers because it will put people back to work and guarantee the purchase of millions upon millions of new cars each and every year."
"Further, to ensure this goal is met, manufacturers of foreign brands in right-to-work states will only be allowed to sell in the state in which the vehicle is made, to be limited to 10,000 vehicles per year."
"The public need not worry, the Federal Government is firmly in control of the situation."
Developing..
Biden apologizes for disclosing bunker location, promises to keep quiet on the new one
(Washington, DC, 5/18/09) Falling under increasing criticism for inadvertently disclosing the location of the secret bunker used by former Vice President Cheney, as well as himself, current Vice President Joe Biden issued an apology today as well as a promise to not disclose the location of the new bunker to be built.
“I want to apologize to anyone who was offended by my completely inadvertent disclosure of the location of the secret VP bunker. It was not my intent to make this information public, but it was something
that simply slipped out. Unfortunately we must now allocate $850 million for construction of a new one, but I promise I won’t disclose the location near downtown Paducah, Ky. so pay no attention to any new construction projects for a motel which may occur in that fine city just to the south of downtown. By ignoring this construction project, we will be able to keep its location a secret.”
Federal Government admits SCHIP tobacco tax hurts poor -
(You're gonna love the fix)
(Washington, DC 5/14/09) Reflecting upon the latest increase in tobacco taxes, it has been determined by the current administration that the huge bump in these taxes has in fact hurt the very people the SCHIP law was intended to benefit. They promise a fix is coming that will rectify this situation.
"We understand now, fully, the impact this tax is having on the poor. E-mail after e-mail is received by the White House complaining
that the choice is now food or cigarettes. As the President is a smoker, we understand people shouldn't have to make such a stark choice."
"A new program will be implemented that will ensure every American over the age of 18 will be required to purchase a carton of cigarettes whether or not they smoke for donation to the local shelter or food bank of their choice for free distribution to the poor. We are considering a $100 tax credit if the taxpayer can conclusively prove they've purchased a minimum of 52 cartons during the course of the year and donated these
cigarettes. It will only cost each taxpayer $2,500 per year. If you're working, you can afford it."
"In this way we ensure we will have far and beyond the 22 million new smokers required to fund this program after 10 years. It will be a boon to the tobacco industry creating new jobs, it will benefit the poor who no longer have to purchase their smokes, and it provides a tax benefit to
the people buying them. Everybody wins."
Developing..
FDA: Claims water "prevents dehydration" classifies it a drug
(Washington, DC, 5/13/09) In a statement to be released later today the FDA has determined that claims water "prevents dehydration" clearly classify it as a drug subject to federal rules, regulations and
increased taxes.
A spokesperson released the following statement on condition of anonymity:
"Much like General Mills and their claims eating oats such as "Cheerios" reduces cholesteral by percentage points, any entity that makes claims of a cure or definitive prevention based on medical criteria must be classified a drug by the FDA. What this means for the future of water is unclear, but it must be noted the government will now be looking at increased taxes to fund research into these claims, as well as a further increase on assorted "sin" items such as soda, chips, peanuts, beer, cigarettes, cigars and "luxury" items such as heat during the winter, air conditioning during the summer, tickets to Six Flags locations and any other locations deemed "fun" as well as anything else we can tax."
"This research will mostly benefit children since they play outside in the heat. You wouldn't want to NOT pay increased taxes to help children, would you?"
Developing..
Obama: Will introduce new cabinet position, "The Department
of Clarifications"
(Washington, D.C. 5/1/09) In the aftermath of the debacle known as Vice President Joe Biden and his off the cuff remarks being
seriously taken out of context with clarification after clarification required, the administration will introduce a new cabinet level position to be called "The Department of Clarification".
A spokesperson spoke anonymously on condition of anonymity. "It is now obvious that clarification is required of Vice President Biden's comments regarding his resistance to travel in enclosed spaces such as commercial airliners and subways. His insistence he wouldn't allow he or his family to travel in or on them has been misconstrued to lead the average reader to assume he'd consider actually mixing with normal Americans in his travels. This is clearly not true."
"The Department of Clarification" will develop a Committee Leadership
Overseeing Words Not Said (CLOWNS) which will be in charge of parsing everything said by this administration, the final meaning of which will be determined by what is approved by focus groups. CLOWNS will be in charge of this and will be lead by the head CLOWN, Mr. Gibbs. His
ability to make reporters laugh at his implausible statements while maintaining a straight face is exactly what the head of CLOWNS is supposed to do, that is, provide entertainment while seriously expecting his explanations to be taken seriously."
Developing..
Breaking: CNN brags to the world: Obama has eliminated "Swine Flu"
(Atlanta, Ga. 4/29/09) In what appears to be a breaking story, CNN is reporting President Obama has completely wiped Swine Flu off the face of the earth.
"In the past 48 hours, there have been no new reported cases of Swine Flu anywhere in the world. Placed into the capable hands of President Obama, this potential disastrous flu pandemic has been completely eradicated. The world has no more to fear from this flu."
When questioned on why, in a zero sum game, there has been a proportionate increase in the 2009 H1N1 flu, which contain the same symptoms and carry the same risks, the spokesperson replied, "Anyone who knows anything realizes that perception trumps reality. If it's repeated often enough, and forcefully enough, everyone who supports Obama will come to
believe that He has actually eliminated this scourge of man and that He is capable
of anything."
Continuing they said, "Never, ever, ever let facts get in the way of the implementation of perception, especially when it comes to his supporters."
Developing..
New U.S. mainland GITMO replica to be built to house GITMO detainees - (What a surprise)
(Washington, D.C., 4/25/09) The Obama administration today unveiled plans to construct a new, improved GITMO on the U.S. mainland to house the current detainees being held in Cuba.
A administration spokesperson issued the following statement on condition of
anonymity since the plans are currently secret and are not to be divulged (More details to be released by the NYTimes in an extensive expose' to be run next week):
"President Obama is holding true to his word to close GITMO and move the detainees to the U.S. mainland. The search has been underway for a new location in the United States, but none submitted have yet to be approved. The reasons for this are many and varied, but in talking to the detainees and understanding their concerns, we have decided to build, from scratch, a new prison which will replicate the
climate and conditions that currently exist in Gitmo. The cost to the American taxpayer will only be $841 billion, with the initial research and development cost of $14 billion awarded to JM Enterprises of
Johnstown, Pennsylvania. It is completely coincidental that this area is represented by John Murtha, but they do have a very modern airport that's barely used allowing us to move researchers in and out of the
facility quickly, quietly and efficiently."
"Although the jobs associated with this project should be done by Americans, we feel the need to extend an olive branch to the Chinese muslims to be released in the U.S. by providing them with jobs designing
the security features that will be incorporated into this new facility. In that
way we hope they will change and become productive members of society."
Developing..
Somali pirates line up to hijack American crews and American
flag vessels
(Eyl, Somalia - 4/23/09) Ever since the attempted hijacking of the vessel Maersk Alabama failed miserably, young males in this laid back fishing village have been lining up to become pirates specifically targeting American crews and American flag vessels.
An unnamed spokesperson defended this action. "We are a poor fishing village
and the citizens are constantly looking to make a better life for themselves. In
the past, we would recruit young men to get into small boats with the specific intent to take ships and their crews into custody and request a ransom for the release of the ships and/or crews. This served only a few people well since the money collected went into their pockets leaving very little for the brave men who risk their lives to actually carry out the hijackings."
Continuing, "We are now readjusting our focus to go after American crews and
American flag vessels with the specific intent to board and immediately surrender
to the crews. In this way we will be arrested and taken into custody to be sent to America for trial in their justice system. As we understand it, the Obama administration assures we will not be tortured or forced in any way to give up information. We look forward, finally to a better life of 3 meals a day and our own bed in the resorts known as "maximum security". Using a toilet in front of others doesn't present a problem since we do that now in the open public sewers of our fine little village."
"We also look forward to hiring the American defense attorney known as "Vinny" who according to the documentary movie we've seen, has a wonderful way of
getting his clients released."
Developing..
Pelosi: Somali needs help - suggests huge U.S. financial contribution
(Washington, 4/16/09) In a statement to be released later this afternoon via the New York Times, Speaker of the House Pelosi had this to say regarding Somalia and the
urgent issue of pirating and piracy:
"Somalia is a vast and very poor country. It's torn now between competing factions of warlords, all vying for control of the country. Mass killings are common and extreme violence exists around every corner. Pirates are simply trying to exist as best they can. They have obviously taken the lessons from the U.S. Congress to heart and have learned that plundering, pillaging and subjegation of the populace is acceptable, the difference being we do it
legally and they don't."
"We will therefore propose a financial aid package in the area of at least $300B-$400B
for the good people of Somalia to help them through these dismal times and enable them to learn good skills, gain knowledge and education and finally leave their pirating days behind them."
"These funds will be raised on increased taxes on the richest 5% of Americans because if they can readily afford and will gladly pay the the tax increases coming their way to pay for President Obama's well thought out and deserved social programs here in the U.S., and they are, they can certainly afford another several hundred thousand a year to pay for worthwhile aid and deserved social programs in Somalia. They should be proud of where their taxes are going."
Developing..
Breaking: Grief counselors enroute to U.S.S. Bainbridge
(Washington - 4/11/09) After intense negotiations with 4 pirates in a dingy, the U.S. Government obtained their permission to fly in grief counselors to the U.S.S. Bainbridge in an attempt to help the crew through this perilous time.
Said a spokesperson, "We realize this is a stressful time for all involved and have been actively talking with Somali warlords who have been in contact with the fishermen currently holding the Master of the Maersk Alabama. After 48 hours of non-stop talks we are exhausted but have obtained the fishermans approval for us to take decisive action and get these grief counselors onboard as soon as possible. We wish we could do more, but as you know, the President takes weekends off so we'll continue to fight the good fight on Monday."
Developing..
Somali pirates to file suit against crew of Maersk Alabama
In a spurious press conference given this afternoon, representatives for the
alleged Somali pirates accused of allegedly attempting to over power the American crew stated their intention to file suit against the crew for defending themselves and causing severe bodily injury to the pirates in addition to other charges.
Prominent attornys are lining up to take the case, but at this time wish to remain anonymous. Said a representative, "We are aware this incident occurred on a Danish flag ship, with an American crew, in
international waters. However, given President Obamas recent overtures to
submitting America and Americans to international courts and opinions which
over ride American soverignty and the Constitution, feel this is a perfect test case. To showcase this effort, we are requesting this trial take place in Somalia with a Somali judge and jury confident all the facts will be taken into account before punishment is metted out."
A spokesman for the pirates chimed in, "These gentle, non-violent people, who have
no other means of support due to failing economic policies, are used to allegedly taking over ships with crews who are subserviant, obedient and refuse to fight back. These Americans are a different breed who have not yet learned to submit, although President Obama is doing his best to install that mindset in everyday Americans through higher taxes on tobacco, ammunition and other taxes yet to follow, with nary a breath of resistence aside from "Tea Parties" which are so insignificant the mainstream media in America is completely ignoring them."
"We fully expect the next alleged hijacking of an American crew will be met with
the expected response."
Developing..
Air America announces new network of stations nationwide
Air America owners today announced an unprecendented agreement with a "large network" of stations across the country signing contracts to air their programs.
Said an anonymous spokesperson too embarrassed to be identified with Air America, "We anticipate this network will be in place and firmly entrenched before the 2010 mid-term elections with which we will provide "Truth to Power" for normal Americans not normally exposed to our
quality programming. Our previous attempts were less than successful but after review, we determined placing our stations in such right wing locations such as NY City and so on was the wrong approach. We believe America is now finally beginning to wake up and realize there is a place for progressive talk radio which exposes the lies and propoganda of the far right wing which currently has complete control of
the MSM and talk radio. One station is even willing to drop its 2 hour "Polka is fun" programming to put us on the air. If that isn't proof we're making progress, I don't know what is."
A technical advisor chipped in, "This network is a huge undertaking for our large staff but both of us are working overtime to get it done. Some of these stations go all the way up to 100 watts of power and can be heard at a distance of 25 miles in any direction, even further dependent upon which way the wind is blowing. They're located across the country in cities that have upwards of 150 residents each. They're located primarily in conservative flyover states but we look at it as an opportunity to educate the bible-thumping, gun toting residents to the true path of progressive government."
Developing..
Shocker: Obama admits he was wrong on the budget and bailouts
(London) In a statement released today in London, a staffer read the following:
"I realize now I was hasty and impatient in dealing with domestic financial affairs upon
taking office. In what I thought was the right thing to do, I overstepped my bounds, and the limits imposed upon me according to the most sacred document in the United
States, the Constitution."
"The government has no business getting heavily involved in the affairs of a private company and I was off-base arbitrarily deciding to have Mr. Wagoner step down from General Motors. Our bailouts of AIG, GM, Chrysler and several other financial and private sector companies were shortsighted and a purely shotgun approach to fixing an economy in dire straits. The actions required to ensure a quality fix are best left to the private sector."
"I want to thank my secretary for bringing me several books by noted authors Limbaugh, Colter and Boortz along with private discussions with Messrs. Walter Williams and Thomas Sowell. These resources have pointed me on the correct path to restoring this nation to greatness."
"Upon my return to Washington, I will pull back and review the budget, request all bailout funds be returned to Washington and will maintain a true bi-partisan relationship with my extremely knowledgable friends across the aisle."
He finished by saying, "If you believe any of the above, you've forgotten what today is."
Staffer: Changes are coming to NASCAR - (Result of Chevy/Chrysler AID)
An Obama staffer anonymously said today that as a result of the government takeover of GM and Chrysler accepting a bailout, significant changes will have to be faced by
NASCAR in the near future.
Said the staffer, "In a commitment to green technology, Chevolet and Dodge cars will no longer be participating in the NASCAR Sprint Cup Series in their current configuration. It has been determined by
the government and unbiased government employed climate scientists the carbon footprint for these automobiles is far too large for the small amount of time they're testing and running on the track. We have sent undercover people to these races, after they received their appropriate shots to ensure their safety, to monitor the amount of pollutants these cars are releasing into the atmosphere during a typical race."
"In the future, beginning in 2010, we expect Chevy and Dodge, with significant
government oversight, to develop green race cars, whether solar or battery powered, to compete in these races, the speed of which will be limited to 80 mph. In the interest of "fairness", we fully expect Ford and Toyota to throttle down their cars to a maximum of 80 mph so everyone can compete on an even plane."
Developing..
White House staffer defends taking their own food to London
In a statement issued today, an anonymous staffer defended the White House decision to take their own food on the trip to London for G20 talks.
"They have to understand, Obama is the most important man in the world. As such, we have to be prepared to make his requested meal on demand in a safe environment. For example, he loves his waffles for breakfast. Since we sincerely doubt those people have any idea what a waffle is, they should ask Obama, since he knows so much about waffles and the art of cooking them (Waffling)."
Said Obama, "Waffles must be made in a specific way, although they can become anything you want them to be. Blueberry, strawberry etc. There is no one recipe for waffles or waffling but you definitely have the ability to change them to become what you want them to be, when you want them. If anyone in London has any questions on how to properly waffle, they should ask me. I've been told I'm a pro at it."
Developing..
Obama proves he has “skin in the game” by moving into D.C. public housing
(Washington, D.C. 1/15/09) President-Elect Barack Obama today made a short statement which he says proves his family is making an effort to “have some skin in the game” by moving out of a private hotel in the D.C. area and making the move to public housing.
“As I said last Sunday in my interview with George Stephanopolous, I think it’s vitally important that everyone in American “have some skin in the game” and be willing to make sacrifices. That includes us.”
“Our move to Washington, D.C. public housing is a sacrifice for us that will show normal, everyday Americans that public housing in D.C. is safe and secure. We need to get the message out to those in need that they shouldn’t be embarrassed to move into public housing, after all, we are at the Blair House Housing Project and we feel perfectly safe.”
“We will be moving to another public housing development across the street, but have to wait for the current tenant to move out. Their lease expires on January, 20.”
Developing..
Obama: Special office to be created to investigate torture claims
(Washington, D.C. 1/14/09) In a short press release issued today, Barack Obama announced his intention to create a new office to deal with detainees claims of unspecified torture which occurred during their stay in various camps throughout the world.
“It is my intention to create a special department comprised of bi-partisan participants to seriously look into, consider and act on claims of torture by persons currently being detained on charges of terrorism. It will be called the Independent Department Investigating Overt Torture Scenarios (IDIOTS). This bi-partisan Office of IDIOTS will be comprised of individuals with the intelligence level required to work in this office while they look into claims of torture.”
“It will be the Office of IDIOTS who hold hearings on the matter, ensuring fair treatment for detainees. It will be IDIOTS who will determine levels of compensation for detainees deemed to be innocent of all charges and finally it will be IDIOTS who will ultimately determine who should be released. Among those names I’m considering to lead the IDIOTS are Barbara Boxer and Dianne Feinstein who have both demonstrated the intelligence level necessary to be successful.”
Developing..
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