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After Saddleback, Obama complains of slanted MSM coverage
Published 8/17/08
After his dismal showing at Saddleback last evening in which Sunday morning talk shows are accurately stating Senator Obama's comments, he had this to say regarding this slanted coverage:
"All through my primary campaign and now going into the Presidential campaign, the mainstream media has been against me which is a considerable obstacle to overcome. Comments I have made in the heat of battle are being accurately stated in the mainstream media which are reflecting poorly upon me in the form of polls. We feel this type of swiftboating is deliberately and directly benefiting my opponent and will not be tolerated."
"As an example, my "above my pay grade" comment wasn't taken in the spirit in which I meant it but is being reported as what I actually said. My expectations are that in the future the mainstream media will interpret what they think I actually meant and report it accurately."
"My pursuit of the votes of the gun loving, bible thumping typical white people is being seriously harmed by this accuracy, and I'll put a stop to it."
Developing..
Obama campaign livid that McCain plans to vote for himself
Obama campaign demands a teleprompter for next McCain debate
The campaign for presumptive Democratic Party nominee Barack Obama, (D-Ill) today stated, taken as a demand by some, that Mr. Obama be provided with a teleprompter for his next debate with Senator McCain.
"It is painfully clear", said a spokesperson, "that Senator Obama's thoughtful, nuanced, purposeful, deliberate and honest answers to off the cuff questions have been misinterpreted as having the markings of a lightweight. His desire to be seen as forceful and decisive, which he is, is being misconstrued and he is therefore falling in the polls. Anything less than a teleprompter could be seen as an attempt, yet again, to sway the public towards his opponent by the mainstream media."
When asked how he would use a teleprompter for off the cuff questions, the spokesperson said, "We are in the process of making 60 second answers for up to 1000 questions that we anticipate could be asked from Iraq to Iran to Russia to the economy and so on. Once the question is asked, Senator Obama would punch the number of the response into a keypad which would automatically scroll his response. We trust this method would again endear him to the American public."
Developing..
Obama gets serious, announces monetary policy change to reassure the public
In light of recent polls indicating Senator Barack Obama is indeed in serious trouble at this point in the race, even following John McCain by 5 points according to one poll, his campaign has announced a serious policy change intened to boost his appeal to the American public.
"As we all know, Republican John McCain is attempting to portray Senator Obama as just another tax and spend liberal and is pounding away with that message. Tax and spend, tax and spend. We intend to fight fire with fire with a new policy which will be adopted by the new Obama administration and will show the American people a new direction for the Democratic Party for responsibility in government."
"The new policy, the "change" we've been waiting for, will no longer be to "tax and spend", instead we'll "spend, then tax". You see, when you tax and spend, it's quite possible for the spending to outpace the taxes already collected. The outlook for the new policy, the "change", is to spend, then determine how much everyones taxes need to go up in order to cover the spending that's already taken place. In that way, tax revenues and percentages will be adjusted to cover what is already spent, which will enable us to stay within the budget allocated. In this way we can offer free government services such as universal health care, etc, see what the total cost was, then divvy up the taxes to cover that cost. There will be no more deficit spending."
"Rest assured that taxes on the rich, which will be defined by the new administration as anyone making over $40,000 per year, government employees are exempt, will be adjusted upward so people on the lower end of the economic scale can take advantage of free programs with no impact to their wallet."
Developing..
Friends of Edwards form consortium to purchase National Enquirer, return it to it's "Tabloid Roots"
It's been learned that a consortium of John Edwards supporters, not Edwards himself, have formed a
consortium to purchase the National Enquirer with a promise to return the paper to its tabloid roots.
Said a spokesperson, "The National Enquirer has begun delving into what they consider serious news.
We feel the Enquirer belongs at the top of the supermarket checkout rack with other such notable
tabloids as the Sun and the Globe. This is not an attempt to silence the Enquirer in any way and any inference to that end is misguided."
"Stories which they are now printing involving well known nation-wide personalities, with an eye towards increased sales belong only with reputable media outlets such as ABC, CBS, NBC, MSNBC, CNN and so on. As you know, these outlets don't consider these stories about Edwards worth printing, covering or commenting on. We trust their judgement much more than we do the Enquirer, you should too."
"We also want to ensure the paper doesn't in any way infringe on the presumptive Democratic Party
nominee by delving into his past and printing information which may be detremental to his campaign. Again, the mainstream media doesn't consider this important, and neither do we."
"In the future the Enquirer will be printing obviously false stories involving space aliens, the success of the
surge and the like, thus returning the paper to it's roots."
Developing..
Developing..Pelosi: Federal oversight needed to ensure fair debates
The campaign for presumptive Democratic Party nominee Barack Obama, (D-Ill) today stated, taken as a demand by some, that Mr. Obama be provided with a teleprompter for his next debate with Senator McCain.
"It is painfully clear", said a spokesperson, "that Senator Obama's thoughtful, nuanced, purposeful, deliberate and honest answers to off the cuff questions have been misinterpreted as having the markings of a lightweight. His desire to be seen as forceful and decisive, which he is, is being misconstrued and he is therefore falling in the polls. Anything less than a teleprompter could be seen as an attempt, yet again, to sway the public towards his opponent by the mainstream media."
When asked how he would use a teleprompter for off the cuff questions, the spokesperson said, "We are in the process of making 60 second answers for up to 1000 questions that we anticipate could be asked from Iraq to Iran to Russia to the economy and so on. Once the question is asked, Senator Obama would punch the number of the response into a keypad which would automatically scroll his response. We trust this method would again endear him to the American public."
Developing..
Obama gets serious, announces monetary policy change to reassure the public
In light of recent polls indicating Senator Barack Obama is indeed in serious trouble at this point in the race, even following John McCain by 5 points according to one poll, his campaign has announced a serious policy change intened to boost his appeal to the American public.
"As we all know, Republican John McCain is attempting to portray Senator Obama as just another tax and spend liberal and is pounding away with that message. Tax and spend, tax and spend. We intend to fight fire with fire with a new policy which will be adopted by the new Obama administration and will show the American people a new direction for the Democratic Party for responsibility in government."
"The new policy, the "change" we've been waiting for, will no longer be to "tax and spend", instead we'll "spend, then tax". You see, when you tax and spend, it's quite possible for the spending to outpace the taxes already collected. The outlook for the new policy, the "change", is to spend, then determine how much everyones taxes need to go up in order to cover the spending that's already taken place. In that way, tax revenues and percentages will be adjusted to cover what is already spent, which will enable us to stay within the budget allocated. In this way we can offer free government services such as universal health care, etc, see what the total cost was, then divvy up the taxes to cover that cost. There will be no more deficit spending."
"Rest assured that taxes on the rich, which will be defined by the new administration as anyone making over $40,000 per year, government employees are exempt, will be adjusted upward so people on the lower end of the economic scale can take advantage of free programs with no impact to their wallet."
Developing..
Friends of Edwards form consortium to purchase National Enquirer, return it to it's "Tabloid Roots"
It's been learned that a consortium of John Edwards supporters, not Edwards himself, have formed a
consortium to purchase the National Enquirer with a promise to return the paper to its tabloid roots.
Said a spokesperson, "The National Enquirer has begun delving into what they consider serious news.
We feel the Enquirer belongs at the top of the supermarket checkout rack with other such notable
tabloids as the Sun and the Globe. This is not an attempt to silence the Enquirer in any way and any inference to that end is misguided."
"Stories which they are now printing involving well known nation-wide personalities, with an eye towards increased sales belong only with reputable media outlets such as ABC, CBS, NBC, MSNBC, CNN and so on. As you know, these outlets don't consider these stories about Edwards worth printing, covering or commenting on. We trust their judgement much more than we do the Enquirer, you should too."
"We also want to ensure the paper doesn't in any way infringe on the presumptive Democratic Party
nominee by delving into his past and printing information which may be detremental to his campaign. Again, the mainstream media doesn't consider this important, and neither do we."
"In the future the Enquirer will be printing obviously false stories involving space aliens, the success of the
surge and the like, thus returning the paper to it's roots."
Developing..
Developing..Pelosi: Federal oversight needed to ensure fair debates
Published 8/19/08
Nancy Pelosi today has expressed her concern regarding the Presidential debates, and allegations that John McCain somehow cheated at Saddleback in order to defeat a far superior Barack Obama.
Said Madam Speaker: "The debate on Sunday at Saddleback has been tainted by the knowledge that Senator McCain may have had access to the questions being posed to Senator Obama while in his limo on the way to the debates. We find it ludicrous that Mr. McCain could have been totally prepared for the questions posed without prior knowledge of those questions. His answers made him look like a leader with Presidential qualities while our candidate came across as a stuttering fool."
"We are therefore going to create a federal department called the "Office of Beneficial Access to Media Affairs" to oversee debates, ensure fairness, and to make everyone even across the board with no leanings one way or another."
When it was noted that her new federal department had the acronym OBAMA, she replied that it was purely coincidence and not in any way meant to imply favoratism. When she was further asked why democrats could take time out of their vacations to address the debate issue, yet ignore Senate Republicans demand for an up or down vote on offshore drilling, she said, "Some things are important, others are not."
Developing..
Obama campaign releases sketchy details of their proposed "Civilian Security Force".
Published 8/18/08
Today the campaign of presumptive Democratic Party nominee Barack Obama, (D-Ill) released sketchy details of their proposed "Civilian Security Force" to the press. Although he made this statement on July 2, 2008, no more information has been made public regarding this startling revelation despite almost nonexistent media pressure to do so:
"We cannot continue to rely on our military to achieve the national security objectives we've set. We've got to have a civilian national security force that's just as powerful, just as strong, just as well funded". Barack Obama, July 2, 2008.
Through an anonymous spokesperson, it was stated, "The force will be responsible to ensure domestic tranquility and to pre-emptively secure threats to the government. Although it will be comprised of individuals 20-45, there will be individuals in training, ages 12-19 who will be able to step directly into the force when they come of age."
When pressed further, the spokesperson also said, "Uniforms are being designed and we have enlisted the aid of one of Germany's top fashion designers to assist us with this effort. All we can say is the Obama logo will be prominently displayed and the shirts will be blue with matching berets."
Several MSNBC employees were jubilant at this news and reported severe tingling in both legs and other extremities. Said one, "Hey, when you're us, you take any kind of thrill you can get."
Developing..
Published 8/18/08
Today the campaign of presumptive Democratic Party nominee Barack Obama, (D-Ill) released sketchy details of their proposed "Civilian Security Force" to the press. Although he made this statement on July 2, 2008, no more information has been made public regarding this startling revelation despite almost nonexistent media pressure to do so:
"We cannot continue to rely on our military to achieve the national security objectives we've set. We've got to have a civilian national security force that's just as powerful, just as strong, just as well funded". Barack Obama, July 2, 2008.
Through an anonymous spokesperson, it was stated, "The force will be responsible to ensure domestic tranquility and to pre-emptively secure threats to the government. Although it will be comprised of individuals 20-45, there will be individuals in training, ages 12-19 who will be able to step directly into the force when they come of age."
When pressed further, the spokesperson also said, "Uniforms are being designed and we have enlisted the aid of one of Germany's top fashion designers to assist us with this effort. All we can say is the Obama logo will be prominently displayed and the shirts will be blue with matching berets."
Several MSNBC employees were jubilant at this news and reported severe tingling in both legs and other extremities. Said one, "Hey, when you're us, you take any kind of thrill you can get."
Developing..
After Saddleback, Obama complains of slanted MSM coverage
Published 8/17/08
After his dismal showing at Saddleback last evening in which Sunday morning talk shows are accurately stating Senator Obama's comments, he had this to say regarding this slanted coverage:
"All through my primary campaign and now going into the Presidential campaign, the mainstream media has been against me which is a considerable obstacle to overcome. Comments I have made in the heat of battle are being accurately stated in the mainstream media which are reflecting poorly upon me in the form of polls. We feel this type of swiftboating is deliberately and directly benefiting my opponent and will not be tolerated."
"As an example, my "above my pay grade" comment wasn't taken in the spirit in which I meant it but is being reported as what I actually said. My expectations are that in the future the mainstream media will interpret what they think I actually meant and report it accurately."
"My pursuit of the votes of the gun loving, bible thumping typical white people is being seriously harmed by this accuracy, and I'll put a stop to it."
Developing..
Obama campaign livid that McCain plans to vote for himself
Published 8/16/08
It was disclosed today the campaign of presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama, (D-Ill) is livid that Republican nominee John McCain plans to vote for himself in the upcoming Presidential election in November.
Said a spokesperson, "It is unforgivable that in todays society a white man will not vote for a black man for President of the United States. John McCains refusal to vote for Obama proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the Republican Party is full of racists, bigots and is truly the party of intolerance and division."
Continuing, "We call upon Mr. McCain to prove to Americans he is ready to lead us all by voting for Senator Obama."
Developing..
Said a spokesperson, "It is unforgivable that in todays society a white man will not vote for a black man for President of the United States. John McCains refusal to vote for Obama proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the Republican Party is full of racists, bigots and is truly the party of intolerance and division."
Continuing, "We call upon Mr. McCain to prove to Americans he is ready to lead us all by voting for Senator Obama."
Developing..
NY Times: Alaska secretly planning to secede to become worlds 3rd largest oil exporter
<!--[if !supportEmptyParas]-->
<!--[if !supportEmptyParas]-->In a shocking story to be run tomorrow, the New York Times has discovered the State of Alaska is secretly planning to secede from the Union in defiance of House and Senate Democrats who will not allow drilling in what could be the worlds 3rd largest oil producing area behind Saudi Arabia and Russia (http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0922041.html).
<!--[if !supportEmptyParas]-->Said an anonymous source, “We in Alaska are sitting on billions and billions and billions of barrels of oil which House and Senate Democrats are refusing to allow us to exploit. By seceding, we will become the world 3rd largest oil exporter, will become one of the richest nations on earth, and will reap all the benefits. We will be able to use the money for what we consider important and will no longer have to beg the Federal Government of the United States to give us some of our money back provided we agree with their stipulations for receiving such monies i.e. environmental concerns, highway dollars and the like.”
<!--[if !supportEmptyParas]-->House and Senate Democrats were quick with their responses to this latest development.
<!--[if !supportEmptyParas]-->Hillary Clinton: “I’ve always been a huge fan of the Fairbanks Goldpanners, even moreso than the Yankees. I look forward to moving to Alaska, establishing residence and running for President of Alaska in the near term.”
<!--[if !supportEmptyParas]-->Nancy Pelosi: “The people of Alaska simply don’t understand that only I can determine what states can and cannot secede from the Union. If necessary the Democrat Party will file suit against the issue of “States Rights” as defined in the constitution and will hopefully have the Constitution declared unconstitutional.”
<!--[if !supportEmptyParas]-->Joe Biden: “Do they have hair clinics in Alaska?”
<!--[if !supportEmptyParas]-->Barack Obama: “This is a non-issue. Once I’m elected President of the World, they’ll be under my thumb anyway.”
Developing..
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