Obama: Barbara Boxer on short list for V.P.
Published 6/8/08
(Chicago, Illinois 6/8/08) – In a press release scheduled for tomorrow morning, presumptive Democratic Party nominee Barack Obama (D-Ill) will announce Senator Barbara Boxer is on the short list for his choice as Vice-President.
Said a spokesperson, “After a difficult and trying primary season, the attention has now shifted to a unified party ticket to run against John McCain. In making this important selection, we have decided that we must go after independents, moderates, Reagan Democrats and other people who are undecided at this point. We need someone whose vision of a New America, who desperately shares our message of hope and change and whose political ideology is far to the right of Mr. Obama will help us attract these voters. We also hope this will attract disenfranchised women voters who were disappointed at Hillary Clinton coming up short in the nomination process.”
Continuing, “Since Senator Boxer is on our short list, we’ll introduce her to the American public with what we’re going to call “The Short Bus Tour” allowing her to display her intellect, reasoning skills and ability to articulate the new administrations positions during whistle stop speeches across the country. We think this will go over particularly well in Appalachia which is key to our election hopes.”
Developing..
Saudi Arabia negotiating with Democrats to buy North Dakota
Published 6/6/08
(Riyahd, Saudi Arabia) - It has been revealed through anonymous sources that Saudi Arabia has entered into serious negotiations with U. S. Democrats to purchase, for $200 billion in cash, the states of North and South Dakota.
Said a spokesperson for the Democratic Party, "This purchase makes sense from a domestic and economic point of view. North and South Dakota don't have much from a tourist point of view other than some rock carvings and a bunch of drunk bikers once a year. We feel the revenue gained from this sale will enable Democratic Party Presumptive Nominee Barack Obama to invest in universal health care for all Americans as well as give us the necessary funds to move forward on green technologies and alternative energy sources greatly reducing our reliance on foreign oil. We simply have to truck it a few miles and it's in our hands. We anticipate the price of gas to also tumble to about $3.75 a gallon putting significant amounts of money back into the pockets of consumers."
From Riyahd, the Saudis said this purchase has nothing to do with 413 billion possible barrels of oil under the state or the resulting tumble of oil prices worldwide should the U.S. suddenly develop the nerve to actually do something about energy independence. Said a spokesperson, "We know Democratic Party policies will cost billions. As friends of the U.S., we want to help them pay for for what they want."
Developing..
Democratic Party of Iraq to change their name after disastrous U.S. Democratic Party meetings today
(Baghdad, Iraq - 6/1/08) - Ali Abu sat at a typical Iraqi coffeehouse today watching the discussion of the U.S. Democratic Party regarding Michigan and Florida on CSPAN-International. As head of the Democratic Party of Iraq, he could not believe his eyes and what he was hearing. Said Ali through an interpreter, "We here in Iraq equate the Democratic Party with upstanding morals, clear vision, unending commitment to helping those in need and a cohesiveness of spirit. These Democrats in America have none of these. I must shake my head at the comedy being perpetrated in America after watching the Democratic Party of the U.S. come off as a true group of buffoons. They want to run the United States, but they can't agree how to run their own party. They want to participate in international politics and demand "change", yet they "change" their "rules" which were set in place and everyone agreed to, until it was expedient for them to "change" the rules to the benefit of a select few. How can the world expect them to keep their word on explosive matters of life and death if they "change" their minds and "rules" on this issue so easily? How can they be trusted?" Continuing, "We will now change the name of our party to "The Kegger". At least we'll have some fun after the name change, will have a better chance to be taken seriously and will leave this embarrassing episode in the past."
DNC Chairman Howard Dean, when informed of this change of heart from Ali screamed that the interpretation has to be in error, and the DNC will immediately sue the interpreter and will take it all the way to the Supreme Court and International Courts if they have to, to prove they are the party of tolerance and diversity.
Developing..
Ahmandinijad: Iran and the world need Obama as President
Published 5/19/08
In a statement released today, Iranian President Ahmandinijad told a captive audience in Tehran his support is fully behind Senator Barack Obama, (D-Ill) in the race for the Presidency of the United States.
The following is a rough translation. "It is not often the so called leader of the free world can be elected who is more than willing to legitimize a regime such as mine, but I'm convinced Obama will do it. His pledge to unconditionally sit down for face to face negotiations with me will give me world-wide credibility. I'm particularly impressed with his ability to convince the naive American public he can sit through 20 years of anti-Zionist teachings, yet continually spout his support for Israel; I must remember, however, the teachings of Mohammed who said lying to the Kufir is perfectly acceptable. 80% of the worlds muslims are for Obama, an overwhelming number the American voter simply can't dismiss. They will view it in the most negative terms if he doesn't win. Iran and indeed the world need Obama as President."
"I don't like McCain or the woman. I don't think they can be seduced with easy language or easy promises. Obama is who I want. It would be much easier to get away with our "peaceful" nuclear program with him in charge."
Nancy Pelosi was less than pleased with this statement saying, "I was in the Middle East to begin the process of appeasement and surrender, and I don't get a mention?"
Developing..
Published 5/14/08
Said a spokesperson, "We have been trying to run an above board primary campaign with no mention of race by us or our supporters against the white woman from N.Y., but regardless what pundits and political experts say, we realize after West Virginia, in order to win the general election, we need a white southerner on the ticket. It's not going to be easy for a black man to approach uneducated, lower class, blue collar, bowling alley-type whites with a promise of change. Mr. Edwards, being from a somewhat backward southern state himself is able to relate to these people and did so easily with his "Two Americas" theme. We hope he'll be able to put us over the hump."
Continuing, "We considered Al Gore but decided we want someone with a real live heartbeat, and someone who actually has a chance to carry their home state. We realize John lives in a modest 28,000 square foot bungalow in the backwoods and hope the small size of his home won't be held against him."
We tried to catch Edwards for comment, but the ambulance he was chasing was just too darn fast.
Developing..
Presidential debate schedule has been approved - McCain vs. Obama
Published 5/11/08
After exhaustive meetings between the Republicans and Democrats, the debate schedule for the upcoming general election between Republican John McCain and Democrat Barack Obama has been set.
"In determining these debates, we had to take into account the schedules of each candidate and their positions on several important domestic and international issues. Regrettably, we weren’t able to schedule both candidates on any one given night, so each debate will have the candidate questioned separately, on different nights, in front of a live studio audience comprised purely of randomly selected independent voters.
For John McCain, who will be interviewed behind a podium under the glare of studio lights, the interrogations will be held by Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann, two of the more respected and non-biased news people in the business. Questions will test his knowledge of modern day economics and how the U.S. position interacts on a global basis, how to effectively solve inter-tribal disputes between Shia and Sunni Muslims and how best to implement democracy and peace in Iraq. His stance on Iran and his support of a pre-emptive strike against this peace-loving nation is of particular interest. For Barack Obama, his interviews will be held by hard hitting journalist Katie Couric and will take place in a living room setting complete with the warm glow of table lamps and a fire in the background will include such questions as how many states are in the union, what is the capital of Illinois, what river separates the eastern U.S. from western U.S., in what hemisphere is the U.S. located and finally, what ocean lies off the western coast of the United States.”
Said a Democratic Party spokesperson, “Although these questions on the surface may look uneven, we feel it’s important the American voter realize that Obama knows a lot of stuff about the U.S. that is generally unknown to his supporting block, Democrats and typical public school graduates.”
Following British Airways lead, U.S. flag carriers to adjust in-flight meals
Published 5/10/08
Following the news regarding British Airways no longer carrying in-flight meals containing beef so not to offend Hindu's, U.S. flag carriers have decided to also offer non-offending foods on their international flights.
Said a spokesperson, "U.S. flag carriers will no longer carry pork products so not to offend muslims, beef products so not to offend Hindus, fish or chicken so not to offend vegetarians, no milk or dairy products so not to offend vegans, salads so not to offend those who believe plants have rights, or any other type of meal that has a remote chance of offending anyone for any reason. Although this severely limits our meal options, our chefs are now devising appealing alternatives including fruitcake prepared in a variety of purees and fondues, dry cracker surprise and a delicious assortment of tofu prepared in a plethora of sauces, none of which contain trans-fats. All these items will be prepared using water instead of flavored stock so not to offend those who are offended by flavored stock."
In taste tests, repondents reported that all the new meals were very good because they, "Have the texure of a good used hemp rope but contain half the flavor and zero calories."
Developing..
Obama: Ray Nagin under consideration for FEMA director
Published 5/8/08
In a statement released early this morning, presumptive Democratic Party nominee Senator Barack Obama, (D-Ill) speculated Mayor Ray Nagin of New Orleans would be a "Spectacular" choice for FEMA director.
Said a spokesperson, "In light of the hurricane disasters caused by global warming and the Bush administrations inability to cope with the devastating effects, we feel in a Democratic Party regime Mayor Ray Nagin would be a spectacular choice to head the federal emergency team. His prolific actions during the evacuation of New Orleans during the Katrina catastrophe saved thousands of lives and serves as a model for the rest of the country. Since he was able to effectively tell the Republican controlled Federal Government how to do their jobs, we feel he's the perfect Democrat to put his knowledge, leadership and foresight to use as the head of FEMA. In conclusion, the public perception of Mayor Nagin as a disorganized nincompoop who isn't able to organize a one car parade is simply not grounded in reality."
Upon hearing this news, Al Gore issued the following statement, "I fully agree with this choice. I would also like to encourage him to begin the evacuation of New Orleans immediately. Global Warming will cause oceans to rise 30 feet in the next 20 years, and it only takes a rise of 7 feet to flood the soup bowl known as New Orleans. Of course, the French Quarter can stay because 2nd story balconies are where the hot chicks show their hooters."
Developing..
Obama policy change: We must drill in ANWR
"It has become painfully clear if we are to reduce our reliance on foreign oil, we must do the following: Open ANWR to drilling, drill for shale oil in Colorado, drill in North Dakota, drill for oil and gas in the Gulf of Mexico and off the coast of Florida, invest in wind farms off of Cape Cod, build more refineries, build more nuclear plants and build more clean coal burning plants. We must also eliminate biofuels and biofuel research allowing farmers to once again plant wheat and corn for human consumption eliminating hunger in this country and elsewhere worldwide."
Continuing, "We came to this conclusion because we want the bitter little people to understand if the Republican Party won't stand up to environmentalists and the far left of the Democratic Party, we center-right Democrats will because we care. Besides, once we hugely increase taxes on everyone to pay for the social programs we want to institute, we must leave at least some government controlled discretionary income to the people so they can afford at least some of the basics."
Developing..
Obama: Jimmy Carter under consideration for my Secretary of State
Published 4/24/08
(Chicago, Ill) 4/19/08 – In a statement released late Friday, the campaign of Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill) had this to say regarding potential candidates for the Office of Secretary of State:
“In beginning the review process for potential administration appointments, one name stands out among the rest for the critical position of Secretary of State. That name is Jimmy Carter. At 83 years old, he has the knowledge, experience, charisma, character and fortitude required to represent the United States to the world, inclusive of our allies and our enemies. His ability to even-handedly look at, and handle, volatile situations, such as his non-biased negotiations between Israel and Palestine proves to me he’d be a huge asset to the new world order. He knows a lot of stuff I don’t and his keen insight to issues of the day will be extremely
valuable to me and my administration. The United States will not negotiate with terrorists or terrorist regimes, but we must realize we aren’t the only player on the team and that other valuable partners, Iran, Russia, Cuba, Syria and Venezuela to name a few, must have an equal seat at the playing table. Jimmy Carter is the man for the job.”
Continuing, “Others under consideration, but to a lesser extent, include Wesley Clark, Nancy Pelosi and John Murtha. They have all been extremely valuable in already helping to lay the groundwork for our peaceful surrender and withdrawal from the Middle East.”
Developing..
Obama: Bush, Bitterness and Big Business to blame for Ethanol and Food Riots
Published 4/15/08
On the campaign trail today, Senator Barack Obama (D-ILL) made the
following statement regarding food riots occurring in parts of the globe:
"It is painfully clear, after years of failed energy policies, the move to
corn based ethanol is the wrong way to go. In its infancy, the idea was a good and noble one with a bright future. However, once Bush and his big business buddies got involved in the process, this noble plan was hijacked to simply line the pockets of energy companies to the detriment of the bitter farmer. Yes, bitter. Food riots are now occurring in parts of the world due to the increased cost of corn and wheat. Daily nutritional needs are not being met which will further increase the health concerns of people worldwide. Because of an economy in recession, many in America went into subsistence farming after losing their factory and steel mill jobs as a way to feed their families. As a result of the move to Ethanol, farmers are no longer able to feed their families because they now produce corn for fuel instead of corn for food. Wheat farmers have abandoned their wheat fields to grow corn for fuel. It matters not they are paid far more for this corn, the simple fact of the matter is they are bitter at not being able to provide food for their families."
"Until Bush and his big business cronies get out of the business of making money and begin to produce renewable energy simply because they want to, and until we can implement a national Carbon Credit Tax on electrical use country-wide, this foray into an unacceptable energy source will continue."
Developing..
Obama seeks to reassure Pennsylvania voters - (What he really means to say)
Published 4/12/08
Facing a severe backlash for comments made in San Francisco regarding voter "bitterness" in Pennsylvania, the campaign of Senator Barack Obama(D-ILL) issued this statement in an attempt to diffuse the brewing firestorm:
"We wish to clarify remarks made a few days ago in San Francisco regarding the bitterness being experienced by voters in Pennsylvania. We assumed there would be a level of sophistication on the part of the people of Pennsylvania who we thought would understand that a black man, raised in Indonesia and Hawaii, who is Ivy League educated and never spent a day in his life living in small town America, would know what is best for them. Clinging to guns, religion and self-reliance as a way of venting their bitterness over being out of work the past 25 years, about the state of the economy and the direction of the country in general is not the way to go about implementing "change". They simply don't understand that we know what's best for them, their state and their futures." Continuing, "In the future, when addressing these individuals, we promise to use smaller words and shorter sentences so they will understand, conform and appreciate someone looking out for their best interests. In closing, we adamantly refute the terms "elitist" and “condescending”. We are not; We simply know what's best for them."
Developing..
Robert Mugabe: I take my inspiration from Hillary Clinton
Harare 4/4/08 - Robert Mugabe, Zimbabwe's 84 year old ruler has stated he's more than ready for a run-off with opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai and is looking to an unlikely source for inspiration, Senator Hillary Clinton, (D-NY). Mugabe's Deputy Information Minister Bright Matonga issued this statement:
"In meetings with Mr. Mugabe, we talked about how much he has in common with Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party nomination process in the United States. Like Hillary, Mr. Mugabe is behind in votes. In drawing a favorable comparison, we admire her fighting spirit, her unwillingness to let go when she's obviously behind and should quit as well as her decision to take this all the way to the Democratic Party convention in Denver. We both believe every vote should count, unless it helps our opposition and, like Hillary, who is willing to completely destroy everything around her, including her own political party and it seems, the United States in the process, we can proudly say we're one step ahead of her as we have already completely corrupted the government here and ruined the country. We have plenty of campaign cash as we have collected our "cut" of international aid enabling our lifestyle, while she, well, forget that one, bad example. We are going to a runoff election, and Hillary will fight for a runoff in the 2nd round of voting at the convention, and finally, we're both ruthless and relentless in our pursuit of power. We have much in common. In our fight for justice and fair elections, after we review the ballots and convince influential super-voters, we will prevail. I'm inspired by her."
Senator Barack Obama was informed of Mr. Mugabe's remarks, and in a display of his complete knowledge of international affairs, which makes him uniquely qualified for the Office of President, said, "Who in the he*l is Robert Mugabe??"
Developing..
Under fire and for the sake of the party, Hillary to finally consider dropping out – (Is this the end?)
Published 4/1/08
On Friday, and even yesterday, the Hillary camp was adamant she wasn’t going to withdraw. What a difference a weekend and a day makes. Intense pressure from party insiders and advisers this past Saturday, Sunday and Monday has caused her to now consider changing her mind. In an announcement scheduled for this afternoon, Hillary Clinton (D-NY) will announce she is considering abandoning her candidacy for the Democratic Party nomination for President for the good of the party, the good of the nation and to keep fire insurance rates in Denver low. She offered this statement in advance of her announcement:
“As the first woman to be on the cusp of history, as the first woman to be denied, through nefarious means, a realistic chance to be elected, I refuse to play the gender card. I'm simply a lowly, humble, female civil servant whose only intent is to serve her constituents, reduce the power of government, return fiscal responsibility, push for greater personal responsibility, win the war in Iraq and return our country to greatness."
Wiping away a tear, her voice cracking, she continued, "That a female, after waiting all these years, can't get elected, is not an indictment of gender bias in our country, but we've learned, albeit painfully, the race card trumps the gender card any day of the week."
"Not withstanding an unforeseen, unfortunate accident, it now appears Senator Obama will be the nominee. We will not in any way attempt to derail Sen. Obama's campaign, that would be unethical, but in the interest of the American people who must be aware of who he really is, we will continue to research his ties to Rev. Wright, Louis Farrakhan, anti-white organizations, his stand on reparations, his "lost" Illinois paper trail, trying to figure out what religion, exactly, he was 21 years ago since he came to Christianity 20 years ago, and a host of other issues. We will provide this information to the Honorable, eminently qualified, and soon to be President, John McCain. In the meantime, we'll begin gearing up for another run in 2012."
Developing..
Published 3/30/08
With opposition leaders claiming victory in recent Zimbabwe elections, and Robert Mugabe threatening them with an "attempted coup" for such claims, former U.S. President Jimmy Carter along with former Secretary General of the U.N. Kofi Annon have volunteered to independently certify the election results in order to head off an international crisis.
Said Mr. Carter, "I have known Bobby for a long time and I can't see how the people of Zimbabwe would voluntarily throw out this decent man from office unless election
fraud was involved. Kofi and I are therefore offering our services to independently verify these elections and ensure Bobby is returned to office for another term, after
the ballots are fairly counted. Zimbabwe is a country on the rebound and the current leadership must stay in place, after fair elections, to carry on the honest reforms Bobby
has in place."
After Mr. Carters speech, Kofi Annon was seen walking around muttering, "Sho' me da money."
Developing..
Trinity Cracker Company to begin making "Reverend Wrights Crackers" to help Obama.
Wall Street Investment Firms and the Dow Jones were abuzz today with the news that Barack Obama is investing in a new firm that will begin manufacturing "Reverend Wrights Crackers", a division of the newly formed Trinity Cracker Company of Chicago. According to sources, crackers will need to be a necessary element of his campaign if he is to win the Democratic Party nomination.
"From New York to San Diego and Seattle to Miami, this country is full of crackers. Crackers can be found not only in Georgia and Alabama, but California, Washington State and North Dakota. You can't get away from it, crackers are everywhere."
"We want to capitalize on this rare opportunity for all people of color to use crackers to enable us to win the nomination. Each purchase of crackers will provide 15 cents to the campaign of Senator Obama, a worthwhile and worthy cause. We feel this product will go well with chili, soup, and as a useful topping on Green Bean Casserole. The best part is, when you're done using the crackers, you just throw the remainder out or place them under a bus. They make a cool crunchy sound."
Developing.. Obama explains his “Lapses of Judgement” in NYT article to be run Monday [humor]
With the continuing questions regarding Barack Obama and the Rev. Wright/Tony Rezko allegations that seemingly put a damper on his otherwise brilliant run for the Democratic Party nomination, the Senator from Illinois sought to alleviate any anxiety by his followers by issuing the following statement:
“Without going into specifics, Hope and Change continue to be the standard for my campaign. I now realize that continuing to follow the teachings of Rev. Wright for 20 years and allowing myself to be caught up in anti-white, anti-American sermons taken completely out of context can be misconstrued by the general populace to be a huge lapse of judgment. To some degree it is. I want to reinforce to my white supporters, without patronizing their race, that although I disavow some of what the Reverend said, I still hold dear the teachings and standards of United Trinity as a good Christian man should.”
“Regarding Tony Rezko, yes, it appears my campaign and staffers, unbeknownst to me, accepted contributions far and away greater than I was aware. We have attempted to return those excess funds but Mr. Rezko has been tied up lately with minor legal matters and we’re unable to successfully make the return at this time. They have been safely buried, I suppose “transferred to escrow” is a better term, for return at a future date. Again, the view the general populace has is that this is a minor lapse of judgment and we don't fault them for misguided thinking.”
“Look, all people have lapses in judgment, some to a greater degree than others. I can assure you, however, my judgment has significantly improved and will be impeccable going forward. I look forward to sitting down with the Honorable Presidents Achmadinijad, Chavez, Castro and the freedom fighters in Iraq and Afghanistan, to discuss my visions of Hope and Change for the future, to have fruitful discussions about the future, and to ensure peace in our time.”
Developing. National Enquirer to seek buyout of the New York Times
Impressed with the fabrication of the story regarding John McCain, the National Enquirer today announced they will seek a buyout of the New York Times.
Said an anonymous spokesperson, "We are truly amazed that a major newspaper, supposedly in the mainstream and the purveyor of "All The News That's Fit To Print", would undertake a story of this magnitude with no basis in fact. We consider it on a par with our own "Tabloid" style that has enabled us to rocket to the top of the supermarket check-out rack".
"We make our living based on readers who are too stupid to realize our stories just aren't true, and Mr. Keller's statement yesterday that his readers were too dense to understand the "underlying" story falls perfectly in line with our thinking. Their use of "anonymous sources" was brilliant, as they could now print whatever they wanted under the guise of "We think we can prove it but won't even try, we'll just blame the reader".
The new "New York Enquiring Times" will be the standard bearer for years to come. We look forward to many years of fabrication, innuendo, flat out lies and a manipulation of the public. Of course, the Times has tried this tactic for many years, but we feel that under our tutorage, they can reach an entirely new level in meaningless, false stories."
MSM delcares '08 race over - Hillary to be sworn in in January, '09
Published 1/20/08
Representatives from the MSM will have a news conference Monday evening to declare Hillary Rodham as the new president to be sworn into office in January, ’09.
Media spokespersons representing FOX, CBS, ABC, NBC, MSNBC and C-SPAN explained their rationale for this historic declaration. “We feel actual voting is a disservice to our tried and true method of polling to determining the election in advance. In doing our polling of likely voters, our panel of independent experts, their donations to the DNC aside, have found that the people prefer Hillary. We did our polling across a broad range of Americans and Hyphenated-Americans with an emphasis on Detroit, Baltimore, Atlanta, South Central Los Angeles and several cities in Mexico. We discounted flyover country since everyone knows conservatives in those areas prefer hard work, little government control, and personal responsibility. Thus, they are out of touch with mainstream America. Further, Americans will no longer have to take Tuesdays off or leave work in order to vote. This will be a huge boost to the economy saving employers millions of dollars.”
Representatives have also done preliminary polling for the ’12 elections and have found, stunningly, Chelsea Clinton as the Democrat favorite. Said the pollster, “Yes, we know she won’t be old enough in ’12, but the Constitution is a living document subject to interpretation in a new age and time.”
Developing…Pelosi,and Murtha to hold news conference FOR impeachment due to Surge SUCCESS – (Unbelieveable)
Published 12/19/07
It was learned today that Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), and John Murtha (D-PA), will hold a joint news conference on Friday condemning President Bush and pushing for his impeachment due to the success of the Surge and an outbreak of cooperation between American troops and Iraqi citizens.
Said a spokesperson, “The Democrat Party of the United States has been pushing for increased military involvement in Iraq for years; now that we have the majority, we must take credit for the success being enjoyed in Iraq and in the overall War on Terror. We firmly believe that had this administration taken our advice, to increase troops by 125,000, as early as we offered it in 2003, this war would be over and our troops would be home with their families for this Holiday Season, enjoying Holiday Trees with their loved ones”.
Continuing she said, “President Bush ignored our advice and only sent 30,000 troops and while being successful, his decision to delay the deployment of these troops, has cost American lives. He must be held accountable through impeachment. Please remember the faithful, patriotic, military loving American Democrat Party members as you support our nominee for President, whoever she may be”.
Regarding rumors that the Democrat Party was against any involvement in the war and had previously threatened to withhold funding, the spokesperson said, “Those are lies perpetrated by the right wing MSM, specifically CBS, NBC, ABC, MSNBC and others, to make it appear we were against what we were actually for”.
Representative Murtha couldn’t be reached for comment as he had his head buried deeply in the pork barrel, but mumbled, “Whatever I said before, I changed my mind, as long as it gets me votes”.
Developing...ABC announces Ann Coulter to take Rosie's spot on "The View"
Published on 5/7/07
In an announcement planned for later today, it was learned that ABC will hire conservative Ann Coulter to replace Rosie O'Donnell on "The View".
A spokesperson for ABC said, "While exceptionally talented Progressive Rosie O'Donnell was an excellent catalyst for high ratings and lifted us to the pinnacle of daytime television with her wit, charm, warm personality and ability to present rational, thoughtful insight to issues of the day and we'll truly miss her, we think Ann will show America the polar opposite of rational thought with her deep rooted, albeit incorrect, conservative beliefs. We think her conservative views will not only provide much needed comedy relief, but it will enable those who have no jobs and nothing better to do than stay home all day, eating Bon Bon's and watching shows such as "The View", to be better equipped to vote for the Democratic of their choice on election day."
They continued, "We want everyone out there to know that by hiring Ann, we're proving we're a fair and balanced network and do not favor one party over the other."
Developing...Pelosi weighs in on the British hostage crises
Published 4/1/07
Sources close to the conversation say they attempted to include Iranian President Achmadinijad on the call, but his aides said he was busy starting an office pool trying to determine whether the letter coming from the United Nations would be of "concern", "grave concern", "deep concern" or "deplorable". The winner gets a free ride on the inflatable pride of the Iranian Navy, the INS (Iranian Naval Service) Maypop and a "Get Out of Torture Free" card should they ever be critical of the current government..
Developing...Al Gore forms exploratory committee for '08 run - Promises a "carbon neutral" America
Published 3/24/07
Former Vice-President Al Gore today formed an exploratory committee aimed for a presidential run in '08. He cited a lack of current candidates who are paying significant attention to the problem of Global Warming.
His major policy change, according to a statement released by Mr. Gores campaign, would be for the government to become actively involved in forcing carbon-neutral lifestyles on normal, everyday Americans. "Mr. Gore firmly believes that excessive power consumption releasing unacceptable amounts of CO2 into the atmosphere causes global warming". He will therefore propose legislation that will determine, according to family size, how much power they can use in a year. "Mr. Gore believes American families vacation too much, make too many trips in their cars and use power for unnecessary things like air-conditioning in the summer and heat in the winter".
Anyone consuming more than their alloted share will be charged an additional "carbon tax" on their electric bills that will be used to purchase all carbon credits from Generation Investment Management. Mr. Gores campaign denies this future no bid contract award has anything to do with his being Chaiman of this company. Said a spokesperson, "Generation Investment Management is the premier carbon credit trading company in the world. It's purely coincidence he his the Chairman of the Board. Our friends across the aisle will be sure to make this a campaign issue which is despicable and the highest form of partisan politics"..
Developing..
bravenet.com